Kieren's Blog

After I blogged my emotions on the other blog, I browsed through other people's blogs as usual. And I came across this post on Kieren's blog....

Forever after reading, it's time to close your eyes, relax and then, read again for the second time. If he aint blogging about trips, then its a time-to-reflect post, really.

I specifically like the first and the last paragraphs.

The first depicts human nature. That alot of times, we know what we do would hurt someone, yet we carried on. Till one day, we were being treated the same way then we say, "I shouldnt have done that then, now I know how it feels".

I have stayed single most of the times this entire fateful 2007. I really thanked Roy for letting myself see my own faults in a relationship. How I deliberately made someone upset, how I threw my temper, how little effort I put in, how comfortable it can be not hanging around with his friends, how jeopardized is the relationship when you do not have much common activities, how a relationship can fail without same level of communication.

I then took time off to reflect for 7 months. I came to peace with myself. I finally decide to take plunge and look forward again, this time, determined to do it better.

I was advised, not to be blinded by depression, there are alot more worth things waiting for me to reveal. Thanks JN.. An advice that I still stored in my mobile sms inbox till today.

Kieren's last paragraph reminds me of myself. What I used to be and how I used to be seen. Kieren is not talking about me (for people who thinks he is) but I strongly held back my tears (even though I'm all alone at home) while reading and putting myself into the picture. The feeling is almost like you are now suffering from cancer then it hurts to look back how strong you were back then..

Judging from my post, needless to say, I failed again even with that determination.

How often can one mend a broken relationship successfully?

KJ once told me, a relationship should be fulfilling. Somebody you always look
forward to, somebody you are willing to love and care unconditionally for, somebody to share your joy so it doubles the joy and somebody to share your woes so it halves the woes..

I'm starting to realise, the time I have taken to reflect on myself wasn't long enough to learn the art and skills of Communication, and how to perfect my relationship.

With that, I think I need to go back to where I was, and take as much time as I need to perfect myself as a person, as a friend and as a girlfriend.

Feeling remorse, feeling upset, feeling happy, feeling down, feeling inspired, feeling lonely, feeling excited are all my feelings within two weeks. I figured it was enough. Me too, cannot handle being strapped onto a roller coaster for too long. I would go nuts and lost all my emotions at one go, like I did before.

I needed more learning. Of course, I never give up and hopefully, there will be one man who is willing to be my better half and willing to forgive each other and learn together with me. Learning takes a lifetime.

I am not afraid to be honest with myself. That this time, I am affected, in fact I've always been affected when he is happy or sad. And that to see him going back to his life and I am no longer part of him to him, is upsetting me... Because.... it shows I was serious in this, thus I am not afraid to be truthful to myself.

Thanks for reminding, it is not wrong to use my heart and be honest.
We cannot be stubborn, sometimes, listen to what your heart has to say.

Thus, I dont want to run away, I would do anything to heal my wound, even if months of hibernation is needed.

At this very moment, I just want to collapse and hope someone can hold me for awhile.

I will be back.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.

And just because I know I was hurt, I knew..... he matters to me, and that, I have loved.